It hurts a little

Last evening our company began our Annual Conference.  This is a time for all the personnel who serve in the US or who happen to be in the US at the moment to meet together.  We are blessed to have a week of worship, fellowship, fun, teaching and business decisions.  It's really a blessing to have a team come and provide the meals, the worship and a great kids' program so that everyone can take part fully in the proceedings.

Today I did miss a portion because little princess needed a nap.  It seems the awesome childcare program was a bit too much for her, as she began throwing food at lunchtime and had clearly had enough.  So, we went back to the camper for a little cuddle and snooze, about an hour earlier than she usually does.  This was perfect for her because she got back to the childcare room just in time for the magic show. :-)

I arrived back at the Conference just in time for the end of coffee break (Oh good, coffee!) and realized that I'd missed the main event for this week- the election of our new sending base leaders!  I also missed a time of affirmation for our current leaders, who are moving on to become international directors.  I'm quiet at these events and most likely wouldn't have said anything, but I'm still sorry I didn't get to participate.

Then again, the part that I showed up for felt worse in some ways.  Our outgoing leader shared a report about what God has done in the last three years (their term).  At some point he showed the group picture of the last two Candidate classes and mentioned where they had all gone:  The Betel drug abuse ministry in NY, Italy, The Gambia, and several countries in the Middle East and Central Asia were mentioned.  At some point after that, he also had to go through a list of several others who had either joined staff here at the sending base or had some other significant change in their status.  And I know it's terribly selfish of me to be thinking about ME right then, but I was.  I simply felt terribly disappointed that there is nothing to say about us.  We're still here.  We entered our Candidate Orientation two years ago this week, graduated in December 2008, and went...nowhere.

Now, in truth we have gone through a good two years, in which God routinely showed us His faithfulness as we showed our willingness to do crazy things.  The last time I wondered silently, "Why, God?"  I heard a quiet answer:  "because now you know who you are when you are just being with me."   In other words, one of the things He's been doing in this long stretch of waiting, is helping me to tear down the idol of accomplishment.  I had to learn that He already loves me, and I don't have to, nor can I ever, earn that love.  We have always known that there was more to this wait than just that God "couldn't" or "won't" provide for us.  He was and is refining us in several ways, and sometimes, we grow impatient.   The reading of the list of people who have gone from here into full-time ministry just stung a little because my name wasn't on it.

Many people in our lives have affirmed that this move to NY is the last stop before we finally go; I pray they are right.  Not that we are perfected, of course, but we do long for God to move so that we can get to work for his glory "over there."  Our speaker this morning cautioned us about grumbling, and I'm aware that's pretty much what I am doing, in spite of it...I'm just being real...I really want to see my name on that list.  "Be pleased, O Lord, to help me."